Big Dump

Stories of lost lovers, and happiness, and lovely choirs

I have now made it to the garden what was long forgotten – it is still as savage as it was before, hidden in the forest, with raspberry debris gone wild and apple trees tall and mighty and uncut. It’s quite early and the dew is cold, and the cuffs of my trousers are wet, and it was not bright of me to venture out in lacquered shoes and a flimsy jacket on top of the white button-up shirt – I’m freezing and my lips are numb, stretched in perpetual smile, for now I’m here, in this centennial tomb, and for all I know I’m the first person to visit this place since my last departure.

You’ve given me an odd glance when I told you that I would be staying here an extra day, and in the past you would be hurt – but now you are a little sturdier on your feet and I didn’t have to search for reasons to explain myself. You acquiesced, not brightly, but more so when I bowed my head and buried my face in your neck, and whispered many things that curled around your head like crawling plants. You held me carefully, as if afraid that I did not long for your embrace, and your humble affection made me bask in reality, that you did not know what I was only distancing myself from you so I could spend some time remembering.

Someday I will take you to this place, when we are old, perhaps, and I will watch you walk the garden looking down. But here and now I’m alone and it is silent, and I touch the old bench as if a shoulder of an old friend, and I long to tell him that I’m happy, quietly and absolutely happy.

The sky is blue and cold, and a lone bird passes silently now and then, a black arch against the sun. The trees around stand tall like solemn guards and for the first time in many years I feel the border between us, and my fingers tremble slightly and I’m afraid to be here for too long, for I don’t want to break away completely – just feel the strength of our bond that lies unnoticed when we are together. I close my eyes and breathe, the cold air bites a little and I laugh hoarsely and light-headedly, my heart afraid and fluttering.

I walk away trailing my fingers over the tall grass, touching the blades as one touches the tombstone to ease the spirits, begging them not to visit and promising future return.