I feel it building inside me, climbing the rope somewhere from deep within, or the rope ladder, I’m not really sure what it is. It’s paws are reaching toward my head, and I’m holding my breath for as long as I can, as if I am staring at it coming with my glassy eyes, and it is smiling, smirking, overwhelming me, flooding my chest, shooting around to spasm in my spine, collect a few drops of sweat that roll down my temples.
I’m neurotic, I can’t sit still and my eyes dart here and there. It’s all quiet and I can’t stand it, I need some kind of chaos, hysteria if you please, I need to thrash to release that, that energy somewhere.
I run out of the house, clutching the hair on my head and feeling the wet grass licking at my trousers. I run rapidly until I’m standing on the hill, on a green hill, until I can see the wind worrying the grass, and all I do is scream, pull my hair out and scream, clutch my face in my hands and scream, pull my sweater off and scream, drop on my knees and roll down the hill and scream. The grass stains my white shirt and it’s freezing, I lie with my face down and smell the earth. Then I get up slowly, but the thing is still there, it’s not gone completely. My head swims as I stuff my hands in my pockets and start pacing, random lines going through my head. I hear a cord, I hear a lovely piano melody, I hear hissing and fussing, I hear beats and percussions. It seems that the blood is pumping out of my ears and I grind my teeth. I want to crush my skull somehow, split it open with a rock to get the thing out, but there’s nothing.
Suddenly there are hands on my shoulders and they spin me around. I’m smothered against a warm chest and I’m infuriated – I push it away roughly, since all I want is biting cold at the moment. He doesn’t insist at all, and his hands don’t touch me at all, I don’t even feel the warmth of his body anywhere as I walk through the woods. All I know is that he is probably following me, looking out for branches.
When I wander out into the open field I can see the stars and tufts of the air coming out of my mouth. I’m not burning up anymore, I’m calm, and I fall onto my knees, looking up at the sky. It is low, it is low it seems that it would smother me any moment, suffocate me with the air, the way strong wind suffocates. I shake at the feeling of being helpless and I stare at it with awe, looking at the stars and taking in my place under them.
I fall down, my forehead against the ground and listen to the night whispers. I shudder slightly as two warm hands stroke my spine through the sheer t-shirt. They slide around my sides and land on my chest, and soon I’m pulled backward, leaning against him, both of us on our knees. His arms wrap around my stomach and chest and he runs his nose down my neck before starting to kiss my shoulder. He moves away the shirt when it gets on his way and when he is thoroughly annoyed he rips it to continue kissing me. All the time I look at the stars and surrender to him.
I can’t stop him, just like I can’t stop the sky from smothering me. So I raise my head and close my eyes, smiling.
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