Big Dump

Eh
(Dedicated to May)

It’s cold and he pulls me closer to him, his arms around my shoulders, his lips on my temple. I’m saying something, I think I’m even telling a story, and he’s listening, even though I’m tired and my mumblings don’t resemble much. He rubs his eye with one hand and chuckles slightly at what I’m saying, toying with the drawstring on my sweater and really listening.
I’m dead tired and I feel as if I can’t keep my shoulders up from all the weight that’s been dropped on them lately. It’s been snowballing for a while and now I’m stuck with every unfinished thought and unaccomplished promise. To myself. To friends. To colleagues.
I find myself half-sleeping, half-dreaming when I’m in my bed, the internal monologue never going off. I even wake up slightly and turn over, and I’m sure my lips form silent words.
We are going home to Oxford, in the almost-empty train car, the sweat evaporating off of my neck. He plays with my fingers and talks about how great the show was, how much he liked the band, and I nod against his shoulder, watching our fingers entwine like strings.
I sigh and close my eyes, and he embraces my tighter and presses my back against his body. “Tired, eh?” he whispers in my ear and I smile. Suddenly, the whole weight on my shoulders is folded compactly in that phrase. “Tired, eh?” he says, and first I’m amazed by how inappropriate that description is, but then I feel my mind rising from the pit of anxiety higher and higher, until everything that was gnawing at me becomes a smudged black on the ground. His lips brush my ear and he sighs, inhaling the smell of my hair and touching my skin with his lips lightly.
I imagine how we look from a side – slouched and entangled on the seat, our eyes closed and faces close, sharing the warmth. Suddenly, the train is not slashing the familiar fields anymore – we are somewhere else, somewhere rainy and quiet and subtle, in a small village in Asia or anywhere else, where it is not logical for us to be.
I’m surprised when they announce “Oxford” and Jonny pulls me out of the train, the trapdoors almost biting my foot as I exit.